 --[The Old Man and the Key](https://www.dailydot.com/memes/old-man-yells-at-cloud-meme/) ##The Oblivious Curmudgeon Makes Food What are you looking at? Just eat it! And get off my lawn! ###Butternut squash soup In a 4-quart pot, heat on high: 3 tablespoons oil Sauté until translucent: 4 onions, cubed Continue sautéing until starting to caramelize, stirring occasionally, about twenty minutes. Add: 2 tablespoons minced garlic Stir and cook for a minute more Add: 2 cups water<br/> 1 tablespoon salt<br/> 1 packet (1.2 ounces) pareve ranch dressing mix Stir, bring to a boil and deglaze the pot. Add: 2 medium butternut squash, about 5 pounds, cubed<br/> 3 cups water Stir. Cover and simmer over low heat until very soft (at least an hour; I leave this on the stove and get back to it whenever I get a chance) Puree with hand blender. Add: 2 cups almond milk Puree with hand blender at high speed. If rewarming, stir constantly to make sure it doesn't scorch **Ludicrously easy hack, if you have time:** Preheat oven to 400° F. Bake whole, uncut butternut squashes for one hour. Allow to cool enough to handle, then cut in half and spoon out seeds, then scoop out flesh to use in recipe rather than peeling and cubing. Roasted parts of the skin will peel away easily, so you don't even need to scoop. **Roast garlic at the same time:** Cut the tops off of: 2 whole heads of garlic Wrap in foil and put in oven for last 45 minutes of baking. Squeeze the garlic into the soup. ---- ###Chana Saag Just means chickpea spinach in Hindi. Cube and marinate in a Zip-Loc bag: 16 ounces chicken or extra-firm tofu<br/> 2 tablespoons soy sauce<br/> 2 tablespoons corn starch Heat on high heat in a large wok: 3 tablespoons (45 ml) oil Sauté, adjusting heat to not burn, until translucent (about 3 minutes): 1 onion, cubed Add and cook on medium for 5 minutes more, stirring occasionally: 1 pepper (green, jalapeño or colored, per taste), cubed<br/> 8 ounces (240 g) mushrooms, cubed Add and cook on low for 5 minutes more: 16 ounces (480 g) frozen chopped spinach, well drained<br/> 1 can (15 ounces, 425 g) chickpeas, drained Add and cook for 5 minutes more, stirring occasionally: The cubed tofu or chicken) Mix in: 1 tablespoon (15 ml) curry powder<br/> 1 tablespoon (15 ml) garam masala<br/> 2 tablespoons (30 ml) brown sugar Stir well and continue cooking until heated through and cooked to your desired level. Taste and adjust salt. ---- ###Strawberry soup Blend in blender, in 4 batches, 3 pounds frozen strawberries, partly thawed (so they blend easily without being pureed) Add a total of: 2 cups almond milk<br/> 2 cups orange juice By adding one cup at a time to successive batches in the blender. <br/> Add each batch to a large bowl and mix in: 1 cup sugar<br/> 2 teaspoons vanilla ---- ###London broil Based on the first Bais Yaakov Cookbook recipe. Whisk together: 1\/2 cup vegetable oil<br/> 1\/2 cup soy sauce<br/> 1\/2 cup honey<br/> 3 tablespoons fresh rosemary (or 1 tablespoon dried)<br/> 1 teaspoon fresh ground black pepper<br/> 1 teaspoon salt<br/> 3 tablespoons minced garlic Score deeply on both sides: 1 London broil (about 2 pounds) Marinate overnight (at least 4 hours) Preheat broiler. Remove meat from marinade (reserve marinade) and broil 10 minutes on each side, to an internal temperature of 125° F. Allow to rest; temperature will rise to about 140° F. Meanwhile, bring the marinade just to a boil in a small saucepan. Allow the meat to cool to the touch, and slice thinly against the grain and pour marinade on top. Serve at room temperature. ---- ###Pad Thai-ish sauce Whisk together: 3 tablespoons soy sauce<br/> 5 tablespoons light brown sugar<br/> 2 tablespoons rice vinegar<br/> 1\/2 tablespoon Sriracha hot sauce<br/> 2 tablespoons creamy peanut butter (or 2 tablespoons peanut powder, if you happen to have bought a huge jar of the stuff and never use it)<br/> 1 teaspoon sesame oil Make stir-fried anything, mix in a beaten egg until cooked, then add sauce.<br/> Serve with rice noodles. ---- ###Curried carrots Slice into 1/4 inch rounds: 2 pounds carrots Cook in boiling salted water (about a tablespoon of salt per quart) until fork-tender, about 7 minutes. While cooking, whisk together: 1\/4 cup vinegar<br/> 1\/4 cup oil<br/> 1 tablespoon dried parsley<br/> 1-2 tablespoons curry powder<br/> 2 tablespoons minced garlic Allow the parsley to re-hydrate. Drain the carrots and rinse in cold water to stop cooking. Mix with dressing. Chill. ---- ###Traitor Joe's Soy Ice Cream Until Trader Joe's brings theirs back, this will have to do. ####Soy Ice Cream Base In a 4-quart pot, bring to a simmer over medium heat: 1\/2 gallon soy milk (Aldi sells this) Add: 1\/4 cup calcium sulfate (Amazon sells this) Whisk thoroughly and lower heat to low and simmer, uncovered, for 10 minutes. You've just made very thin tofu curds. Add: 4 cups sugar<br/> 4 teaspons vanilla (use real vanilla, not the artificial "flavor")<br/> 1 teaspoon salt<br/> 1 teaspoon xanthan gum Whisk together until completely dissolved. Refrigerate (it needs to be cold to make good ice cream). ####Vanilla Make 2 cups of the base in ice cream maker according to manufacturer's directions. ####Coffee Start with 2 cups of the base. Add: 1 tablespoon instant coffee (decaf or regular, depending on the effect you want) Dissolve with a hand-held blender. Make in ice cream maker according to manufacturer's directions. ####Mocha Start with 2 cups of the base. Add: 1 tablespoon instant coffee (decaf or regular, depending on the effect you want)<br/> 2 tablespoons cocoa powder Dissolve with a hand-held blender. Make in ice cream maker according to manufacturer's directions. ---- ###Broccoli Kugel The best part of this is all the fancy French cooking words ####Roux Melt in a 2-quart saucepan, over medium heat: 2 tablespoons margarine Add, stirring constantly: 2 tablespoons flour Cook for two minutes. ####Béchamel Add, stirring constantly 2 cups almond milk Cook over low heat, whisking constantly to break up the lumps, for 2 minutes. Allow to cool, enough that the eggs in the next step don't cook. Whisk in a separate bowl: 2 eggs Stir into béchamel sauce. (Rather than wait for the sauce to cool, you can temper the eggs: whisk a tablespoon of the hot sauce at a time into the eggs, whisking constantly, until you've added a cup of sauce (6 tablespoons). Then add that into the sauce.) Add: 1 packet (1 ounce) onion soup mix<br/> 1\/2 teaspoon salt (I don't think the soup mix has quite enough salt, but your mileage may vary) ####Mirepoix Meanwhile, heat on high: 1 tablespoon oil Add: 2 onions, diced<br/> 1 carrot, diced<br/> 1 stalk celery, diced Cook on low heat until translucent and softened, not browned, 5 to 6 minutes ####Brunoise Chop in in mixer with steel blade: 24 ounces frozen broccoli, thawed<br/> Mirepoix vegetables (this isn't a legitimate brunoise, of course. If you want to impress Julia Child, use a knife.) ####Kugel (or in French, kugel) Preheat oven to 375° F. Mix vegetables with sauce. Or, mélangez la brunoise avec la béchamel. Generously spray 3 8-inch round pans (or one 9x13 pan) (or any baking pan you have handy) with: Non-stick spray Sprinkle bottom with: Matzah meal Coat the bottom of the pans then shake off the excess. Pour the kugel mixture into the pans and bake for 75 minutes. ---- ##This Is Just Wrong  --SMBC, [_Cooking_](http://www.smbc-comics.com/comic/cooking) Salatim Pesach Simanim